The holiday season is one for rejoicing and reconnecting with loved ones, and maybe even heading back to your hometown for the first time in forever.
As nice as it is to be with loved ones, sometimes the holidays are a challenging time and strenuous circumstances may cause us to perform feats of strength.
Even though you’ve been working out for months and training super hard, these are the top 5 ways to NOT use your MMA skills, unless you’re cruisin’ for a bruisin’:
1. Don’t Go Pound For Pound With The Ham Or Turkey: So what if you’re big and tough? Even the strongest MMA fighter can’t go head’s up with the saltiest ham or the juiciest holiday turkey. Those tough birds will knock you on your butt and make you submit to the Sandman before you can even swing a punch in the right direction. They attack from within! You’ll be under the weight of nap and you can’t do anything about it.
2. Don’t Challenge A Seasoned Shopper During Holiday Sales: So what if you can handle standing in line for an hour just to get a great deal on your holiday gifts? There are people who’ve been training for YEARS to have the stamina it takes to stand in line all night just to beat you to a great deal on iPod speakers or thermal underwear. Also, don’t try to snatch away the item they’re looking at because your MMA training probably didn’t prepare you for a dislocated shoulder in the middle of a Target aisle.
3. Don’t Try To Get Out Of The Rear Naked Choke Hold Of Family Conversations: Even the heavyweight champion of the world isn’t tough enough to get out of the tight head lock that is family conversation, the kind you have at dinner with all of your aunts, uncles, grandparents, and anyone else who knew you back when you were just a dopey kid in super hero underwear. You will sit there and you will hear the same story you heard last year, and the year before that, and the year before that…
4. In The Egg Nog Fight Card, You’ll Never Win: Egg Nog is a powerful substance. It has a density that not even your banana protein shakes can hope to match.
5. Your Muscles Cannot Destroy Ugly Christmas Sweaters: There seems to be some sort of magic that is woven into the fibers of those ugly Christmas sweaters, the ones with patterns of deer and log cabins. They cannot be destroyed, not even by flexing, so give in and just wear them as armor.